What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
