plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
