My liver just broke up with me...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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