So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
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