How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
