I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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