Will you blow on my dice?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
