Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
