You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
