nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize