We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
