I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I want a musical about memes.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
