Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
