quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Two words: blizzard sex
My bed smells like the plague
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize