Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
