I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
