She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
