so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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