either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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