Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
