I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
