As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Pooping to opera.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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