I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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