I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
