I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
