I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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