I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
