Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
