I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
