I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
