Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
