Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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