y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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