i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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