I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
sex in a hospital.. check
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
