your parents love me but you hate me
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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