Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize