Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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