I don't usually arrange sex via text message
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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