Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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