I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
