You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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