New low: just hacked my moms facebook
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
