You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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