I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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