I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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