On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
