Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize