My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Everclear isn't food dammit
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
