next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
