when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
