you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
