Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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