Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
