I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize