He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
