You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
