Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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